மதிய வேளைகளில், தேநீர் நேரங்களில்
பேசிக் கொண்டிருக்க சந்தித்தோம்
சந்தோஷ தருணங்களை ரசித்தபடி
ஒருவரை ஒருவர் ருசித்தோம்.
வார்த்தைகள் இயல்பாய் வந்தன
இடைவெளி குறைந்து நெருங்கினோம்.
நான் என் கவசங்களை கீழிறக்கக் கூடும்
எதுவும் இந்நேரம் நடக்கக்கூடும்
இன்றைய இரவை நாம் ஒன்றாய்க் கழிப்போம்
விதை விதைத்து வளர்வது என்ன என சோதித்துப் பார்ப்போம்
உன்னை நம்பி நான் உச்சமடையக் கூடும்
உன்னருகே நான் நிம்மதியாய் உறங்கக் கூடும்.
We met for coffee and lunch
To talk and be together
We met in happy circumstance
And savoured each other.
Words flow easy, don't they,
And intimacy seems right
Perhaps I can lower my guard
Enough, anything can happen, it might.
Let us spend the night together,
See what we sow and what we reap
I could trust you enough to climax
And next to you, I might even fall asleep
Original by Lalita
11 comments:
dont get me wrong and I am not very good at this either - but when reading the english version , i felt a jarr at reading the word 'climax'
sort of makes it soft porn :-)
I cant think of any alternative yet, but maybe something subtler would be better there?
"Enough, anything can happen, it might" was great though
ஒரே வார்த்தை...
அற்புதமான மொழியாக்கம்..
Chen, have you read Kaama kadum punal by Magudeswaran? It has a lot of such poems. Erotic thoughts put in beautiful words. A great package. Read it if you get a chance.
your first commenter is so right about the word climax. simply has to go
Sub - I just did the translation into tamil. The original was written by Lalita, link given at the end of the post. I felt the last line was the clincher, it took the poem to a different level.
Prakash - thanks.
Krishnan - have been noticing that book often in book fairs, but am yet to read it.
Anon - again, I can't change it.
If you are being honest, what would you say? 'Come apart'? 'Let go?' The poem is about trust and surrender, not possible fulfillment of carnal needs.
Chenthil, you know why I am trying to explain myself.
I don't know if it's because I know it's a translation that I feel it lacks the 'smooth' texture of the original. Is there another way of saying 'theneer'? Perhaps it's the use of an infrequent term like that that makes your version a bit laboured. Is there another way of introducing the tamil version without mentioning the original up front? And revealing it later perhaps? I liked the way the second and third stanzas flowed in comparison.
Lalita - you should have used two flowers kissing each other icon instead of climax.
Ammani - yeah, I got the same feedback from others too, the first stanza is jarring. In future, I will just link to the original without posting it here so my translation can be assessed as a stand alone poem.
Except if said person -- the trust-and-surrender guy/girl -- is certified insomniac don't see why the last line is so great either.
I have read this book once and in transit llst the book and henceforth I've been searching for it.. Couldn't get in anywhere. Do you have any idea sir??pls
I have read this book once and in transit llst the book and henceforth I've been searching for it.. Couldn't get in anywhere. Do you have any idea sir??pls
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